Like a Giraffe / Meghan Brown

Laura: I’m sorry. 

Walt: Which injuries are you apologizing for, specifically? 

Laura: The ones that still hurt. 

Perfect date night with my Ms. Mercy. Dulce de Leche froyo at Frog Yogurt and Moonrise Kingdom at the Arclight and sitting in the driveway waiting for that damn skunk to get away from my door. 

The movie was so heart-wrenching and emotional and perfect and I just can’t even get the words out. Who wants to run away with me? I’ll bring all my favorite books in a suitcase. 

Last question. I have to know, because I love this story and want it to be true. There have been stories about you sneaking up behind people in New York City, covering their eyes with your hands, and saying: Guess who. And when they turn around, they see Bill Murray and hear the words “No one will ever believe you.”

[long pause] I know. I know, I know, I know. I’ve heard about that from a lot of people. A lot of people. I don’t know what to say. There’s probably a really appropriate thing to say. Something exactly and just perfectly right. [long beat, and then he breaks into a huge grin] But by God, it sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Just so crazy and unlikely and unusual?

{Full article here}

Where My Brain Goes When I Can’t Sleep

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1. I’m so fucking stressed out about not being able to sleep I can’t think straight. This is rule number one. This is the first place my brain goes. The anxiety of not being asleep is guaranteeing that I will never sleep again. I will become one of those weird people wandering the parking lot. Oh shit. 

2. If my parents find this Tumblr entry (which, they won’t, come on) they’re going to be really bothered that I opened with the f-word. My mother primarily. Maybe I should change it? Also: I don’t want them to know that I’m up all night being stressed about being up all night. I like to present the facade of someone who appears to have some slim grasp on adulthood, though in all likelihood they See Right Through Me. (The swearing is funny, though. In real life, I can’t pull it off. I always sound like a little kid trying to get away with something. It’s a coat that doesn’t fit. I’m a nice middle-class sweetheart all the way. I will pound the table for emphasis but keep my mouth dish-soap clean.)

3. There are a lot of lives that seem awesome in the abstract. I’d like to have one of them. But only one that actually turns out to be as awesome as it looks. I don’t want a real life that looks like a real life. Because you know what? I have one of those. And while it’s kind of the best thing ever, it’s also stressing me the fuck out and come on. Nights like this I’d trade it all for a chance to look like some girl on a Pinterest page, all fashion and cakes and the upcoming wedding to a man who is totally cool with looking at all of that fashion, all of those cakes. He says: I prefer the Angel Food, but, really, pick whichever one you want. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a man who could tell the difference. 

4. It’s officially June 1st and I went to bed early so I could start the month off right and now it’s all ruined I guess I’ll just have to wait til July. 

5. Part of the problem with the sleeping tonight is that there’s some kind of animal outside and the cat is going nuts. I’m hoping it’s a raccoon and not a skunk. (But I know it’s probably a skunk.)

6. I thought it would be money, but it wasn’t money. This year I had money the most. Best house the most. Things that I thought would make quite the difference. But. Unfortunately. Nothing is ever simple ever, c’mon. I thought it would be money, but it wasn’t money. And now there are even more things to wonder about. What other solutions aren’t solutions at all? There are many. Sex, love, drugs, cars, friendship. Fulfillment wears a summer dress and moves like a snake. Shedding skin and drinking lemonade. It seems like it should be easy but it’s a slippery thing. We’re chasing things but not the right ones, maybe. 

7. My poor right wrist is all screwy from too much Internetting and never, never enough typing. I want all these words down. I miss feeling gutsy.

8. I still can’t sleep and oh God. 

9. There is just enough time but never enough space. My heart fills up and we’re stuck. I’m trying to learn how to write jokes but it’s never come easy. Dialogue has always been the favorite. The hands just go on their own. It’s not about anything except shutting up and letting people talk. Prose only works in a vacuum. The world shuts down and the fingers go taptaptap and I’d like to do that more, really, I’d like to taptaptap all night long. 

10. I would be cool with not sleeping if it meant I was writing but what I’m actually doing is this, which hardly qualifies. Part of my June goal parade is to write more in a public forum. DOES THIS COUNT, DEAR READERS?

11. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Tossing and turning. My heart in the shredder.

12. (Yum yum. The rest is history.)

13. Going to start the next great American novel watch the Bachelorette.

When you touch me
my mind is gone.

The only words I know
are lost inside your body. 

A Softer World is my super-favorite. 

Toes with Taylor <3

So today we went from this: 

to this: 

Summertime, and the living is etc, etc, etc. <3

My People are the Best People

Surprise care package at my door this morning. Rachel Clee is a goddess. <3

Howl

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1. Cowboy says I’m a coyote. Clever and skittish. Travelling in a pack. I’m feeling wild inside this morning. I’ll take it, I’ll take it, I’ll trade in the house cat, I’ll call foul on “indoorsy”. Show me the desert. Point me towards the dust. 

2. Determined not to let future-me screw me over. Not putting any more faith in that asshole. From now on, now-me is doing it on her own. 

3. The problem is always structure. “A love of form is a love of endings.” And I guess that’s the problem: I don’t like seeing what we look like when it’s all over. I’m more comfortable with small short bursts. I want to feel the deep feeling and just roll around it for awhile without anything actually happening. Flash fiction and short stories and one-acts. Trying to make things bigger is giving me a headache. BUT STILL, WE PERSIST. 

4. Have been camping at the Village Bakery lately. It’s as walkable as Kaldi, and 98% cuter. Only problem: the damn bakery counter. I would eat my weight in donut muffins (DONUT MUFFINS!). 

5. I’m trying a new thing and I think it might be working. Gonna shut up about it as to not jinx. But. It’s nice to feel the pulse of change. Howl at the moon, come home for dinner. Only good choices from this moment on. 

Something New

“It’s amazing how often we’d take a bullet for the person holding the gun.”

And Sometimes We Just Sleep

(There are more of these here. Neon love letters in the grass. Maybe my favorite thing.)

1. The first rule is: Honey, it’s OK. It’s OK it’s OK it’s OK it’s OK. The second rule is: Shhhhh. The third rule is: Trust. Honey, it’s OK. Shhhh. Trust. It’s an endless loop. Sometimes I like to pretend it’s all for me. 

2. The last 48 hours were strange and beautiful and heart-shifting. Even the luckiest ducky gets thrown for a loop sometimes. We’ve had some special guests and some surprising revelations. You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, etc etc etc.

3. I saw Follies at the Ahmanson and oh my was that show beautiful. Tug on every heartstring. A good reminder to keep carpe-ing. 

4. It’s amazing how completely relationships can shift. Lover to stranger to heart-deep friend. Soulmate to heartbreaker to cautious dinner-partner. We’re all in and out but sometimes the mess is the best part. I wouldn’t change any of you for the world. 

5. It’s Memorial Day weekend and I can my neighbors BBQ through the open window. They’re talking about owing over $100,000 in student loans. Shit’s getting real. The beers are popping and the worry is coming out. You’ll be OK, faceless strangers. Shhh. Trust.

Moments that Mean Everything

So May has been sort of ridiculous. Probably the most caution-to-the-wind perfect social storm I can imagine. 

For posterity’s sake: 

Week One

Drinks with Liz in Culver City. Lunch and study-time at Kaldi with Amanda. Lunch with Azi. Sober brunch with Nameless Joe. Wifey’s beautiful birthday party at Next Door Lounge with all of my favorite women. Cinco de Mayo madness in West Hollywood. Feeling community buzzing to my toes. The girls who knew me when. 

Week Two

Brunch at Rockwell and Mindi’s incredible thesis recital (complete with the most delicious tamales I’ve ever experienced) with beautiful Taylor. Hike and lunch with the amazing Ms. Eva. Mom and Mike visiting, two days at Disneyland. A few days in Millbrae with the new puppy. The Academy of Sciences at night with my brother (a memory I’m going to keep, that one). The Lady’s Tea at church. Mother’s day, all family snuggle and shish kabobs and cheesecake. <3

Week Three

Hookah with my favorite Cowboy. Brevity beginning again. Being pulled up on stage to judge an absolutely ridiculous all-female arm-wrestling competition (go Amanda!). Drinks after with Liz and Susan. Long chatty hangout (and scary-ladder climbing) with Aly. Big heart-to-heart with my Ms. Mercy. Killer LA date: Luna Park (ahi appetizer, scallops, nom), CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH (!!!!), and insanely delicious dessert with the boy who knows me best. 

Week Four

Visiting time with Jayne and Jim and Harrison on their way down to Anaheim. Avengers with a new friend. Making Psyche edits with Susan at Zuma Beach. More Brevity. A late night long walk with a good man. Morning bookstore date. Coffee with Amanda. Surprise fancy dinner at Canele with Taylor (split chicken/polenta, beet salad, cheesecake, and a lot of really good beer). Disneyland with Jayne, Jim, and Harrison at Disneyland. Date at Little Dom’s (softshell crab, incredible salad, cucumber cocktails). Cowboy hike. Follies with Heather et all at the Ahmanson, drinks after.

And that catches us up to today.

I’ve got to say it: I’m a lucky girl. <3

Time to buckle down. But. It was pretty awesome saying nothing but “yes” for the past 26 days. ;)